Its been a little over one month since I started residency... Since then, I've learned a lot about nephrology, but not nearly enough to be considered confident/competent in the field, and not nearly enough to where I feel like I know enough for general pediatrics. I find myself constantly double guessing myself and questioning my knowledge base... Because lately, it seems minuscule.
I was reading another bloggy by a current medical student who talks about the difficulties of med school in real talk. None of the flowery garbage about how somethings are so inspiring, but she talks about it in a way that's realistic. I know what she is going through and although I could never eloquently describe how med school was affecting me, she's been doing that.
Basically, med school and medicine makes you question everything about yourself. I'm no different. I'm not sure if my pessimism is from constantly being beat down by exams or from breakups prior. I love medicine, but I don't like the feeling that I know nothing... When will this feeling go away? We are starting board review quizzes that are required every two weeks, and this week is on growth and development. They are requiring everyone to participate, from interns to seniors, and adding in a $100 prize for each resident per PGY year who scores the highest total score at the end of the year. I'm glad and mad because I've already given up and I've already assumed that it won't be me from the interns. Its a great tool to have since it requires us to start reading and preparing for boards early on. But, the incentive just makes me feel dumb.
I graduated top %5 of my high school class, somewhere at the top of my college class though I'm not certain where since they did not rank us, and I was used to making As and a few Bs. I cried if I ever made any Cs (I made 3 in my life prior to med school). Then came med school, and with all the smarter people in my class, I had to finally swallow the bitter pill that I'm just average. I've gotten pretty good evals from other people I've worked with like other residents and attendings, but I can't seem to shake off the feeling like I'm inadequate. I feel the same in residency. That I'm just an average intern. I want to "exceed expectations" and have people thinking wow, she's good. I kind of feel like I'm just trying to survive at this point.
And its only been one month.
Until the next one then.
1 comment:
everyone has that feeling, I got into the top grad programs but felt like an imposter or inadequate all the time! and everyone does, some are better at hiding that. You might feel average amongst your colleagues but outside of medicine you are smart because you are a doctor. Try hanging out with non doctors now and then, you'll feel smarter!
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