Frustrations

Ugh so final grades were posted for our last class, Micro/immunology. I thought I did decently on the exam, but I ended up being 2 or 3 points below the median... If I was above the median for both the midterm and final, then I would have high-passed the class. I missed high pass by a total of like 5 points... AGAIN. I'm so frustrated with myself... UGH!!

I guess I should have been expecting this. Lots of people told me to get used to making grades lower than what I was used to, but I didn't think it would be so frustrating. I mean, yea, I know, a pass is alright. Passing the class is what matters anyways. But, its been ingrained in my head that just passing is not acceptable, and because of that I've been kicking myself mentally. I keep thinking about a couple of the questions on the exam... what if I chose the other answer instead of the one I picked?? Would that have made me a high-pass?

I guess I'm just really frustrated that I used to be one of the smart ones (maybe top 15% of my class in undergrad), and now because everyone is extremely smart, I'm just average... Even below average if you think about it (below the median and mean by like 2 points every time). Its making me think I should really pursue a relatively non-competitive residency. I dunno. I'm just so mad at myself. I keep wondering if I had studied harder, then maybe I would have done better. I feel like I keep messing up, but the thing is, I don't know where or how I'm messing up. Sure, for my biochem/metabolism/histo/embryology class, I know I screwed up when I focused on everything except embryology and then embryology turned out to be a major chunk of the exam. But, right now? I dunno what I'm doing wrong.

That's why I've decided I'm not taking any breaks or allowing myself to have any fun from now until May 29th, the last day of classes. I have to high-pass neuro. HAVE TO. I can't take being below average anymore. I've studied all week... I've actually kept up with readings... something I never did before because I didn't think I needed to. I would only read in my other classes if something didn't make sense. Now, for neuro, a lot doesn't make sense so i'm reading it all.

Ok... So enough about classes.

I've given up on the whole finding a guy for myself thing. With the lifestyle I'm leading and heading towards, its not going to happen. I've been clinging to my silly romantic view of getting married for way too long. I need to refocus and view it in terms of practicality and I shouldn't mix in my emotions into it. I figured if my parents find someone they like, I'll meet them and decide. All I know is that the way I wanted things to happen aren't going to happen, and I need to grow up, and settle down. Fantasies don't come true... That's why they're fantasies. So yea, that's my change of heart on that aspect. Dunno if you guys are disappointed in me, but two of you were relatively lucky, and things don't work out like that for everyone. I've accepted that. I've had a while to think about things and the way they're going and my parents are the only way I'll ever find someone. If even that doesn't work out, I can turn into super cut-throat bitch and just work on my career. Anyways, the parents put me on a matrimonial site without asking me. When they told me, at first I flipped because I should have been told, but then I was like, ok whatever, it hasn't been working any other way so why not? So there have been a couple of people interested... I'm not too sure about the specifics, but I know one guy's mom said this to my mom: "Does Nads wear hijaab? Would she start? All MY daughters wear hijaab." <-- That seems shady to me. What's wierd is that they are from my side of town and we've never heard of them (and my dad knows a specific uncle who knows EVERYONE in my hometown, no joke). Hm, so that's all I've heard about. He's a 3rd year med student at.... A&M? I'm not even sure. Whatever I just said is all I know about him. Yup. Ok that's all for now.

Until the next one then.