Sleep, Why must you keep leaving me?

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Okay so fasting has been tough, but I'm getting used to it. I'm completely worn out by 6:30pm. However, everything would be fine if i could just focus after breaking my fast. I'm good for like an hour, but then around 9:30-10, I get hit with this massive sleepy wave... and I try to fight it long enough so I can go to sleep at 11. But, when 11 rolls around, I'm wide awake. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?! Not to mention that I go to bed at around 11 but fall asleep around 2 and wake up around 8 everyday. I WANT TO SLEEP.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Not to mention that I had my OSCE today on heart and lung sounds. I thought I did pretty well, but I ended up barely passing. WTF?

Three more exams to go:
POM Exam
CVP Final
CVP Lab Final

I see the first years around and they're uber excited to be there, and it makes me want to be a first year again. Optimistic and hopeful and excited for the year to begin. The second years are the ones who are trudging around with giant books and backpacks that their backs can barely support, living at the library/student center/coffee shops, stressed out, bitter, and wondering why they even chose medicine. That includes me. *sigh* That's a lie. I love medicine. But, they make you go through hell and back. I don't ever think I've ever been this busy or felt this stupid in my LIFE.

I can't WAIT until my week off. I DESPERATELY NEED IT. I was going to do some pharm reviewing, but SCREW IT, I need my sanity. I don't think I will be touching my Step books.

Until the next one then.

--//-- Edit --//--

Soooo I've been doing some thinking since last night... I understand that other people have it rougher than me, and its stupid of me to complain about my life, when its really not that bad, but sometimes I'm stressed out and that's when I turn to write here. K, that's all.

Meltdown

Yea... So yesterday I was completely freaked out. I guess I looked all I needed to do, and I flipped out. I was freaked out about classes and exams and then the added stress of preparing for boards and the fact that I don't know what to do for boards and I freaked out that I would fail step 1 because I really feel like I don't know anything :(

I felt pretty crappy since I couldn't remember all the different types of murmurs nor could I tell what they were by listening to them, but then apparently, only 20% of doctors really know what they're listening to, and that made me feel better haha. The other 80% just listen for an abnormal one and then get a cardio consult. Anyways, my ears are aching from my stethoscope bc I spend like 2 hours a day listneing to heart sounds and lung sounds. Lung sounds are pretty easy to distinguish, so that's okay. I'm worried about the heart sounds... I don't want to fail my OSCE........

Pulm is aiite. I guess I'm all caught up. I need to continue studying it to retain it, but I understand it better than I did cardio. I get a little confused of what's going on in respiratory acidosis/alkalosis vs metabolic acidosis/alkalosis with respiratory compensation haha, but I think I just need to write it out and understand the steps. There are a lot of equations in this class, and I need to focus on memorizing those suckers... And not just memorize and then forget, but I'm talking about memorize and remember for the boards.

Ugh... being a doctor is my dream, but seriously, they make you go through hell to get there. I actually wouldn't mind if med school was 5 years long with book stuff 2.5 yrs and clinicals 2.5 yrs. The pace we go at is insane. I heard baylor does 1.5 yrs of books and 2.5 years of clinicals... That is even more insane.

Agh, I guess I feel stupid a lot and I feel like I'm not good enough for med school and they must have made a mistake in admissions when they let me in. I mean, I did barely get accepted.

*Sigh*

Until the next one then.

Behind, Bored, and Sleepy

I'm already so behind in my class and we've only had one week of it since the midterm. I think I've spent too much time on one lecture -- Pulmonary Mechanics. I was lost when I was reading the scribes and the assigned book readings. Now, I figure I should probably listen to it, but since its three hours and since I've read the books to death, I don't think I will. Seriously, one lecture has never taken me so long to understand. Bah. My midterm, which was cardio, totally kicked my butt. I was afraid I failed it when I turned it in, but THANK GOD, somehow, I managed to pass. I need to pass this next exam (in 3 weeks) and I will pass this stupid class. I don't think I've ever hated a class more than this one. Anyways, I'm trying to incorporate boards studying along with this class because everywhere I look, they're telling me to follow along in review books and make notes so that it'll be easier to review next semester before the exam. I think I will review neuro or pharm during my fall break. I guess as long as I manage to review all old material by December, that might put me ahead. I dunno. I feel like I don't know how to study for this ginormous ass exam. If I ever had panic attacks about the MCAT, I'm sure I'm going to get them with this one :(

Even though I should be studying all the time, I can't do it. I need something to do as a break, and I don't know what. Maybe read books, but I usually end up reading too much in one sitting and wasting time that I really can't afford to be wasting. I don't have enough self-control to only read one chapter at a time haha. So yea. Need something for a break.

On top of the stress of this class and the stress that I'm starting to feel because of boards, I SLEEP TOO MUCH. Or at least it feels like I am sleeping too much. I might not be since I'm waking up tired every morning. I go to sleep around 1 at the latest and I try waking up at 8, but I just can't do it for more than a couple of days at a time. After doing that all week (meaning Monday and Tuesday), I could not wake up until 11:20ish today. I was planning on listening to a lecture in the morning. What a waste. Tomorrow, I'm going to be in class all day -- Ethics from 10-12 and our faculty likes talking way too much. Everytime we say something, he stops the discussion and says, "let's talk about that a little more," and he goes on to talk about only God knows what while our eyes glaze over. Ugh. Anyways, then I get a 2 hour break, and then pathology lab from 2-4:30, and we usually take the ENTIRE time. That's like my whole day tomorrow. I HATE THURSDAYS. Ughh. AND we have that stupid ass ethics paper due tomorrow by 5pm. I'm done with it, but I just need to proofread it and then submit it. I think that paper is probably the worst paper I have ever written... and I'm not even remotely anything close to a good writer. I just don't care. Its worth like 2.5% of my grade and they won't fail us unless we completely disregard the prompt. So I'm not worried.

I really just want to sit at home and do nothing at all. Sleep until I wake up on my own and not force myself to get out of bed, and not frantically study to catch up. I have a lot of work to do this weekend; I can already tell. I have 5 multiple hour lectures (meaning some are 3 hours and some are 2 hours) that I need to listen to and go over. I should listen to one tonight, but I'm just so exhausted. I woke up late, had class at 1, studied until 5, went to tutoring for 2 hours, came back, ate dinner and took a 1 hour long break bc of my headache, and did lab reading. Now, I think i'm just going to write notes pertaining to the lecture learning issues they gave us and then call it a night. I'll listen to one lecture tomorrow, one on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday and one Monday morning... If I manage to do that and go over the notes at the same time, maybe I'll be caught up by Monday afternoon. What's more likely is that I'll only be able to do 3 lectures, and I'll still be behind next week. FML.

I know I'm whiny today. I've had a headache since 5 and it went away with food and some caffeine, but it came back again. ugh.

I have the entire Taylor Swift album. Her music is my guilty pleasure. Duuuuuuuuuuuude..
The song with "she wears short skirts, I wear tshirts" and she says how the guy she likes is always after that kind of girl. Story of my life.

Until the next one.

Gone With the Wind

So I read Gone With the Wind out of curiosity... I must say I did not like it. The protagonist was a girl who started out being a selfish spoiled brat who just progresses on to be a bigger spoiled selfish bitch later because of all the hardship she faces. I mean, I liked how she was strong, but I hated the fact that she alienated everyone by the end and ended up all alone. Another thing that annoyed me was the fact that she was so STUPID. I mean, she only had business sense, but no other types of knowledge. She had no idea of friendship, no idea of love, no idea of how to be a mother, no idea of how to help other people except herself. Through the entire book, she was like me me me me me, my life sucks, my life is unfair, etc. She looked down on everyone that ever considered her a friend, and that made her lose everyone of them. It was in the last 10 pages or so where she has an epiphany and realizes she's all alone, and as I was reading, I thought no shit sherlock. Then I thought that she would turn her life around and what not, but no. The book ended.

Ugh. Now what book should I read? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

Until the next one then.

Final Finger Update

So the doxy worked after I drained my finger myself. My finger is almost back to normal. The skin that was over the original abscess by my fingernail died, and so my skin has been peeling on my finger. It quite ugly actually. But, the peeling has gotten a lot better as my skin keeps on growing back. Half of my cuticle is gone though. That'll come back with time. As for swelling, there is none. As for pain, I don't know if I would call it pain... there's just a wierd sensation in there whenever I push on it too hard. Its not hindering me from typing or writing. I don't know how to describe it... Maybe its just bc my finger is still healing. It was pretty itchy before. The itching has died down a bit too. This infection was a pain in the ass especially with trying to study.... and I study by writing notes. I'm just happy its back to a normal size and its not hurting anymore. Seriously, even though it was such a small area, but it would throb and throb on its own, and if I accidentally touched it (even gently), it hurt so bad I nearly cried. Plus, just to throw in a little bit of neuro, you have the highest concentration of touch and pain receptors on the tips of your fingers, so it makes sense why it prob hurt a lot more than what it was. I'm sure if this happened somewhere else, like somewhere there's not a high density of pain and touch receptors (like your back), it wouldn't have hurt as much.

Anyways, I think the doxy really messed with my stomach... I'm getting heartburn like never before. The meds made me nauseous too. I actually threw up one morning because I thought I'd take it before eating breakfast--bad idea. I threw up within an hour. Then I just took it 2 hours after eating and then I'd have to wait 2 more hours to eat anything else. Quite annoying but I didn't want to risk its absorption since calcium prevents its absorption. I finished the meds this morning, and i guess I'll see if the heartburn gets better...

I miss neuro. It made sense and was super-duper interesting because of all the different things going on in the brain. Apparently, I don't think I'm going to be a cardiologist afterall. Its kind of boring stuff... All I've learned is that everything eventually leads to congestive heart failure, and all you really need to know is how to treat that -- beta blockers, ACE inhibitors, furosemide and/or spironolactone. The end. Arrhythmias are kind of cool though, and being able to tell the different kinds apart on the EKG is kind of cool too. However, I hate the physics aspect of cardiology.. there's so much of that with pressures, fluid viscosity, resistance, flow rates, etc. I guess cardio is a let down for me since I was actually considering it as a career option. I really liked neuro a lot more, but neuro residency is hella competitive. I guess I could go internal med and then neuro fellowship -- but I dunno. Let's see how the other classes go... I still have GI, endocrine and ob/gyn, renal, derm/musculoskeletal left. I might have another one but I don't remember.... I don't think its a systems class though.

I have to start studying for boards soon.... I should probably start before winter break.. I have to review all the stuff we learned first year.............. I don't know if I remember any of it actually... Okay, I don't want to think about that right now. I'll think about it after we're done with the next class... I think its GI next. Anyways, right now, I need to focus on not failing my cardio midterm on Wednesday D:
But, after the midterm, I'm coming home! LooOOooOoong weekend baby -- hell yes. I love self-proclaimed holidays :)

Until the next one then.